Two days ago I would have been 1 year clean.
I would have been proud of myself.
But I broke, twice.
Now sitting here, thinking about it makes me so mad at myself.
I broke because I got hurt by someone.
Actually, no, It’s completely my fault. I let her hurt me. I let her hurt me so badly that I broke. I hate myself for it, so much. I wish that I could take back all those nights sitting alone in my room, with eyes so full of tears i could barely see, with that blade in my hand, the blood slowly seeping out of my fresh wounds.
Every morning as I’m getting ready, trying hard to cover them up, scar cream, foundation, powder, I want to cry. Whenever I see my arms together it makes my heart ache at the realization that they will never look alike again. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
I have always had to be so strong for everyone else. But no one ever took the time to be there for me, to be strong for me.
Having to deal with countless years of abuse, parents divorce, being bullied verbally and physically, never have a place of my own to get away from it all, I’m surprised I hadn’t started sooner. But because I didn’t have anyone I kept it all inside, I let it build up so much, for so many years that I finally broke at one point. I broke hard. I just wish I would have been smarter about things when that happened. But I was so alone. There was not anyone in my life I could talk to. No one there to help me.
I’ve grown since then. I’ve grown since the last time I cut. And I know I will never do it again because I hate how it looks, I hate that people will know such a personal thing about me by just simply looking, seeing all the scars. That they’ll know how weak I am, was.
For a while things were getting better. I was happier. I found a few people I could talk to about somethings. But honestly, now. When I look at my life and how things are going, I just don’t know what to think. I’ve been through a lot of shit, and grown then broke, then grown and broke again. I just feel like I’m letting life slip through my fingers and I don’t have any sort of control over things. The fact I’m single makes me feel like I’m not good enough, that there is something wrong with my appearance or personality. I know in one part of my head that I am better then all these negative feelings, but in another part I’m bringing myself down. I try so hard to put on a happy face everyday and not let all the negative bullshit get to me but that’s what I’ve always done. And eventually, one day, once again, I’m going to be alone, and I’m going to sit here and think about everything shitty that has happened or is happening, think about how hurt I am, and about who’s hurting me, and I’m going to take it all out on myself, I’m going to cry and cry ‘till I’m dried out head to toe, and I can’t stop the fact that its going to happen. In the back of my mind I know one day it will, and I don’t know how to change that. I want to be happier, I really do. I want to have a good life, do fun things, explore, learn, grow, over-come fears. I’m standing in my own way. What I really need is just someone to push me out of the way of myself. I need a savior.
