Move on

You have sheets on your bed 

that still smell like her,
but you 
hid the letters and called it
 moving on,
so when your friends 
ask, you tell them it is midnight,

it is always midnight, and the
 sun has forgotten how to spell 
your name.
This is how they 
know she has not called you.
On a rainy Tuesday in November, 

Mercury is in retrograde and for
 a moment
the blood inside of
 you stands still.
The light is 
bearable again
and all the colors 
on your skin agree to stop fighting 

for just a little while.
You read an
article that told you not to make
 agreements
when the cosmos 
are given permission
to reach out 
to our bodies;
your body goes 
back to war,
 it is once again 
impossible to sleep.
You miss the
 sky that you found in her palms.
For three months straight, you 
have ordered insignificant items 

to be delivered to your house.
 Every time there is a knock on
 the door,
your body feels like it
 has come alive,
the image of her,
 smiling, blinds you.
She is never 
the one knocking.
Everyone says 
you are doing this to yourself.”

empty

It's been almost 15 months since I've last written.
I'm not surprised.
I've completely lost myself.
Began to find myself.
Then lost all over again.
I've been through hell
and the trip is yet to be over.
Are things really getting better?
Do they actually ever reach that point?
"Better"
What does that even mean?
I've had so many ups and downs, but whats the point if I'm constantly in a down?
The ups dont seem to last anymore
At least I'm sleeping again.
Thanks to the 2 year long restraining order..
Why did I involve myself with such a person?
Is that really what I thought I deserved,
To be beaten down, emotionally and physically,
Is that really how poorly I see myself?

I don't know what to think about much of anything anymore.

Out with the old in with the "new"

Rachel and I made a trip to Buffalo Exchange today!
My purchases were:

 "OBEY" Aztec 4 Button Light Jacket
$24.50

Paisley scarf w/gold accent
$4.00 (half off)

"Wetseal" Black & White Blazer
$8.50

Gypsy Pants
$5.25 (half off)

"Nameless" Sea Foam Green Knit Sweater
$14.50

"Bebop" Floral Dress
$10.00 (half off)

What's next?

Over the past month I've had two interactions with creepy old men.
The first one I was at a gas station in a busy area. There was a man being helped at the counter by someone and I was being helped by the other person behind the counter. I was asking a question when suddenly I felt a hand  full palm cover the entire left side of my butt and a slight squeeze.
I was so in shock and taken aback at what had just happened I was speechless. I looked toward the direction of the man and he winked and a smirk crept upon his face. Keep in mind this was at two o'clock in the after noon on a very busy Saturday. Throughout the rest of the day all I could feel was his hand on me. I scrubbed and scrubbed in the shower but the feeling would not subside.
After having previous incidents with a teacher years ago in middle school, it was everything I could do to not break down and cry.

The second one occurred yesterday. I was getting gas again, but at a less busy area here in Fairhaven. I was not physically affected this time, thank god. The man was paying for some items in front of me. As soon as he finished I quickly pre-paid for my gas. As I was walking out back to my car he held the door open for me, I responded with a polite "thank you" and a head nod. We both proceeded to our vehicles. I began pumping gas when an odd feeling crept upon me. I glanced over and noticed the man was in his truck staring.  Not glancing, but a dead stare. I held a stern look and made eye contact with him as he pulled out, waited at the red light, turned left and then he gave me the "up and down" a few times, finally some trees blocked our sight of each other.

I don't understand why this keeps happening. It's occurring more often then not. Others are more subtle then these two men but none the less, are still treating me like I'm a slab of meat and they're a hungry dog. It scares me to think about,  what's going to happen next? When? Where? What time of day?  Why? Is it something I did, or are you just a disgusting pig? Will someone go too far. It scares the shit out of me. But what can I do about it? Stay inside all the time and become a hermit? That's unhealthy. I shouldn't have to compromise my life because there are men on the prowl. That doesn't mean I'm out dressing like a street walker from the red light district. But I don't dress like a slob. I just don't know what to do. What to think.

Woods Coffee--Anti Gay

I was just informed by a friend today that Woods Coffee, founded by W.W. Herman, is an anti-gay association. I am highly disappointed because this was the one coffee shop I thoroughly enjoyed and visited quite often, seeing as they're everywhere. I read up about the information and learned the owner funds anti-gay political causes and takes personal stances against the LGBT community. He petitioned to the city in 2012 to have the Pride Parade not pass his store. Many have begun a boycott against the Woods Coffee establishment.

More about Boycotting Woods Coffee:
Why We Boycott
Where You Get Your Latte, Why It Matters

ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER?

During a seminar, a woman asked," How do I know if I am with the right person?"

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, "It depends. Is that your partner?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind
replied the author.

Here's the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you
fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls,
want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet."Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you
may begin to desire that experience with someone
else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know
WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling.

well well well

I was looking through some old pictures, and found some that I took with a couple teachers.
Was I really that weird kid that was BFF's with the teachers?
Yes, yes I was.

Except I was totally like "in love" with the one in the second picture. I'm pretty sure she hates me though. Oh well, I no longer attend that school. I just dig old people, teenagers suck.